Shh! Don't Tell


A red flag is a target.  You have no defense when assigned a name Multiple Sclerosis.  You go from being a regular dude to a risk.  Being a Red Seal ticketed Millwright does matter because you have an expiration date attached.  All the sudden every research and known thing connected to Multiple Sclerosis placed upon the path of your dreams.  It's all you can hear.  Even to the point of putting weight on our hearts when our love already stretched thin.   Pulled in all unknown directions.  Like Chantel Kravietz 's song, All I Can Do, "When you're at the fork in the road....".  Our wedding song.

Denial.  It's a hard word for me to state without feelings.  I can't lobby perfection.  I am human.  It's unreal not to make mistakes.  Sometimes repeating them over, and they're stitched right before your eyes.  So that's what we did for the month of August 2016.  We, as a couple, didn't accept Dan had MS.  We were thinking about it.  But our minds couldn't take Dan, my Dan, had MS.  Not him.  My favourite one to bite, people sharing their bits about what they knew or found out about MS.  I am appreciative for all the sharing.  At the moment it hurts to hear but later becomes purposeful knowledge.

Learning to accept your loved one has Multiple Sclerosis hurts beyond what words can describe.  Embarrassed and scared we went on with our summer.  If we didn't think about it, it wasn't true.  We came up with many great stories and theories of Dan not having MS.  There was no manual to tell us differently.  I honestly looked and searched for literature and support to get us through.  We kept our emotions to ourselves and spent a considerable amount with our 'framily' (family & friends).  The echo of life's beauty silenced before us.  Keeping quiet, hoping Multiple Sclerosis would vanish and all would be back to normal.  Dan would have a 9-5 job and be happy, again.  I could go on being myself.

It didn't work that way.  Not sharing bottled up our emotions and almost broke us.  I went to my corner and Dan went to his.  But some magic happened.  When things have been at the extreme worse in our lives, love showed up.  A reminder of our passion comes into play.  The rain of our emotions doesn't hurt as much.  It's Us and MS.  Something to learn and love.  I am not scared to air out the laundry anymore.  Pain, sadness, and anger have robbed some awesome times in my life, and my memory bank.  I can't rewrite it, but I can write it as it happened.

I thought I lost to MS, but instead I am finding Us,