Fresh Tracks

53B9A803-C401-41E0-A9BD-AAB3C6E05940

53B9A803-C401-41E0-A9BD-AAB3C6E05940

Waiting for the train to pass, is like waiting for the mosquito to bite so you can finally fall asleep.  Everything is about time.  Patience.  Steps forward or tumbling backwards; sometimes landing farther than before.  Multiple Sclerosis can suck.  Everything you were accustomed to, loved or filled you up with instant joy gone.  Finding the beauty in MS is a process.  There are days Dan and I are holding hands, stronger than ever, so passionate Dan’s going to beat MS.  Other days, were are struggling to accept what has gone from our lives and be grateful for what we have.  When you are down, you are down!  When you are up, you are UP high in the clouds!  Like train tracks, you can go forwards, backwards or even step off them.  Interestingly, we keep coming back to the train tracks.  Maybe its our love for each other.  Sometimes MS separates us because we are so different.  I wish I could follow Dan’s dedication and other times I am so mad at him.  We have reversed roles.  Things I took for granted, like Dan’s strength, his ability to move.  We changed.  I changed.  Dan changed.  At times, he is disappointed in himself for lost opportunities.  The hardest part is watching him stay stuck in a rut, and he won't grab my hand.  Then you think, so has he, it would be easier to pack our bags and leave each other.  It hurts holding each others hand through this amount of pain and not knowing what to do next.  I have researched, and the only answer I can come up with curing, ending, beating MS is faith!  Belief that the human body is strong and that there is such a thing as a Higher Power.  Dan and I have struggled throughout our relationship blending our beliefs.  Dan comes from a devoted and loving Christain family, and I grew up in an Aboriginal Christian like home.  I believe in animals, storytelling and looking for signs, while Dan knows the bible quite well, and likes to pray and leave everything for God.  He is beginning to appreciate my knowledge of stories about when an animal appears or when the clouds look a certain way.  Growing up, every time we passed the train tracks my Dad said fresh tracks.  I never understood what he meant, and I would ask him over and over again, “Why are they so fresh Dad?” and he would simply reply “Because they are” and leave it for me to further explore.  I would get so frustrated with my Dad as I just wanted to know the answer.  Now I know my Dad was preparing me for moments like these.  Finding Us in MS has been a journey.  We have changed, we have grown, yet we are still learning about ourselves and how we mesh as Dan and Casey Campbell, husband & wife and with our newest roommate Multiple Sclerosis.  I like pizza, I love coffee, but I need Dan more in my life than those simple pleasures.  Dan says I can do whatever I want because this is his fight and he doesn’t want me to sacrifice what I enjoyed because of his MS.  For a while, it sounds all good, but I haven’t felt good doing it!  Having him watch me engage in things he can’t is NOT fair nor is it fair for me to change all the things I like for Dan.  But what is marriage?  For Us, marriage is being a team but also finding a balance where you can be YOU and be that loving & supportive partner too.  Together WE will beat MS because our faith & love for one another are strong!